Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
