Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
