I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
