No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She's the barista slut.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
