I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Two words: blizzard sex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize