Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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