I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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