He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize