Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sorry about my life...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Pants are for mortals
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
