Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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