i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
