Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
