we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
