i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
