turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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