I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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