and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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