Nicole vs. Life
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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