i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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