There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How's work?
Spinning.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
