i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
