if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
