I haven't been this sober since birth.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize