By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
