the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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