I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
