You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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