No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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