today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
