so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
being pregnant is like rehab
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
