Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
