i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize