What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize