You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
