I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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