It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize