Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
