i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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