I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I've blown a few things in my day
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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