Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
