Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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