I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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