"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
