Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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