I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
