i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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