It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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