when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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