she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
