Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
