I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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