The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize