dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
