I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just googled if crying burns calories
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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