I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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