We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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