I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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