When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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