booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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